Tuesday, August 19, 2008

If I want to make this place a real journal, a record of my journey, I'm going to have to dirty it up a bit in here. I don't mean to bum anyone out, but behind some pretty pictures, a big smile and a generally cheerful outlook are some very real negative feelings lately, and I hope that by mucking through them and owning up to them, I will learn something from them. Most of it probably comes from me not sleeping anymore. Every little sound wakes me up and every little worry keeps me awake all night. There's a constant feeling of Not Being Useful or Good Enough and then being down makes me feel like I'm not grateful for the wonderful blessings I do have and then I feel even worse. Sometimes I just want to run so far and fast that my shoes fall right off, to somewhere in the mountains farther and stranger and more wild than I've ever been before. I would find the deepest, darkest cave there and sleep for months. My hair would get all tangled and matted and I could wrap it around myself like a bear's fur to stay warm. When I finally couldn't sleep or dream anymore, I would paint all the things I had dreamt on the walls of the cave, using mud, animal blood and my own shit, and it would be more beautiful and meaningful than anything I had ever painted before. Then I would go home knowing I was a stronger, better person, a better mother, a better artist, and we would all be so happy to see each other again. It would be springtime, we would have a new president and new beginnings and optimism and maybe the economy would be getting better, and everyone would not always be so worried and depressed.

I'm going to go work on a drawing now~ something wonderfully sweet that will make me feel much happier. I promise, I will have something better to share tomorrow.